Dilemma

When I was working, I wanted so badly to resign to take care of my children myself because I want to spend much much more time with them. Now that I am a stay-home mum, I do have thoughts of going back to work because I feel my time at home with the kids is not fully utilised.

I used to have the opinion that stay-home mothers can be better mothers to their children. But after experiencing more than 2 years of staying at home with my own children, I feel, that even working mothers can also be great mums if they put in the effort to do what is necessary to bond and educate the kids.

Actually, what does it take to be a good mum? I'm just typing what I can think of...

1) Be able to love the children
2) Be able to give attention
3) Be able to educate the children with the right values
4) Be able to give input to help them be successful in this life as well as the hereafter.
5) What else?
6) Obtain good support from husband, maybe grandparents, domestic helper or babysitter.

I guess some mothers are competent enough to manage both career and their mum duties. I guess, I can't. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough. I'm the easily stressed-up sort so imagine having to prepare lesson plans and teaching aids, marking books and exam papers, set exam papers, dealing with student problems and having to contact parents occaionally. These may significantly reduce the time I have with my children.

What makes me rethink my situation right now is when there are voices saying that I should do this and that like I should start working againlah... or some people saying that I should not work because `anak-anak will be stupidlah, rumahtangga porak perandalah...'. People have so many things to say and I admit sometimes I can be affected, though my husband keep on telling me not to be bothered.

But you see, my situation is different from other people's situation. What may work for my family may not work for other people's family and vice versa. The childcare arrangement for my children may work fine now but in future, whether the arrangement works will depend very much on the situation. So only my husband and I will decide what is best for the family at any point in time.

Who will care for the children if I go back to work... that's the issue. I don't want someone who is calculative, who is half-hearted or who will complain endlessly about her experience taking care of the children. I want someone who is happy with her duties and would give me necessary feedback abt the kids when I get back from work. I want my kids to be happy kids (and morelah) but how can they be happy if they are in the care of someone who is not.

I have been checking out maid agencies websites, domestic helpers, babysitters and so on. I guess I am not ready to hire anyone as yet. I have been thinking of the right candidate. And when it comes to close family members to take care of the children, I haven't receive a decisive answer. Yes, they have their own difficulties and this sometimes gets to me.

I do think of going back to work when the children are slightly older because though I enjoy staying home being with the kids, I do feel that I need to do something when the children are in school. When exactly that will be, I am not sure.

Thank you for making my day.

My friends always have their very own way of making me feel better. Not that I always feel lousy. They are just very thoughtful indeed.

Ayu will call up to check if everything's fine once in a while and we'd talk and she'd just listen, though sometimes, she knows (I think) that whatever I said could be a bit nonsensical - musings of a feel-caged-up mother. Even, I myself think that what I say can be simply my raw take on life - without the prior thoughts and assessment on why things are the way they are. Ayu normally gets to hear all that. I pity her ears. But that's a great friend she is.

And another great friend also made my day. She is from London. A few days ago, I got a super pleasant surprise. I got a package from the mail and on it there was a By Air Mail sticker. I only thought of Shikin - being the sender. True enough. At the back of the package read her name and address.

At that time, my children were around me - eager to see what's inside the package. I sang to them `Mail time, mail time, mail time........' to the tune of the song in Blue's Clues. Their eyes simply lit up when I tore the seal to take out the contents.

Out came a London girl doll, with her belly-button showing but hey...it's just a doll..and this is to Khadijah's delight. She immediately went around the house with the London girl and soon she put her to sleep - a bit too early though, rested her head on the pillow. She was pretty pleased with her new-found friend.

Well, what can I say. When the Thomas magazine and sticker book emerged from the package, everything else fell into oblivion. Suddenly, whatever's on TV wasn't entertaining enough. Abdullah was so glued to the stuff that it took a good 1 hour for him to browse and busy himself with pasting and marvelling at the pictures. I must say that the Thomas characters seem to be larger than I normally see in books - they seem to come alive. And of course this is much to the delight of my son. And yes, he got a nice cool red t-shirt too.

Thanks guys - Shikin and Ayu! No words can sufficiently express my thanks for being there - just at the right time.

Here's the stuff I got from Shikin.

Change

My life needs a major overhaul. I cannot tolerate the current state of things. Somethings just need to change.

Okay to be too radical maybe, too much, too soon..maybe hard to handle. I'll probably do it in stages.